I never talked about Lyla’s birth, or about how we came about wanting to have a baby. I didn’t know how to share it, because Moe and I were a bundle of mixed emotions – helpless, excited, scared, nervous. So here goes nothing, or everything.
Let’s rewind all the way back to late 2016 when Moe and I went to the Philippines. How cool would it be if we conceived in the Philippines right?! A vacation baby! Once we got back from our trip, we started looking for a bigger apartment, found a cute one, put an offer on it but the seller turned us down. We were pretty bummed about the situation, but I like to believe everything happens for a reason. End of November 2016, we found out I was pregnant. I don’t remember how I felt or how I told Moe, I don’t remember much because I tried to erase it all.
Moe took a day off from work to drive me to see an OBGYN – we were so excited and kind of nervous! At 7 weeks we saw the baby’s heartbeat – Dr. H confirmed everything looked good and wanted me to come again the next week because she saw another sack but no heartbeat – twins?! When we came back the next week, the second sack disappeared – but baby was doing well. I was taking my prenatal vitamins, I was doing my cardio – I was doing EVERYTHING right. People started noticing I wasn’t ordering any wine at dinner, but they were being polite and didn’t ask, plus we weren’t ready to tell. January 19th 2017, At my 12 week appointment, we went in for my first trimester screening. The technician checked everything, we heard the baby’s heartbeat strong and loud, and she gave us an ultrasound image of our little one. She stepped out to get the doctor, after what seemed like forever the doctor came and did my ultrasound again. He looked confused, but I think he was just trying to keep a straight face, keeping the emotions at bay. Dr. R showed us that the fluid build up behind baby’s neck was thick (Nuchal Translucency), which meant that the baby possibly had a chromosomal issue. Moe and I looked at each other – I couldn’t see it, I don’t think Moe could either. I remember showing Dr. R the picture the technician printed for us, saying the baby looked fine, saying we heard a strong heartbeat. He shook his head, and he tried to show me what he was talking about – I still couldn’t understand what was going on. I remember stepping out of the room with a blank expression, and went to the sign out counter. The nurse looked up at me and smiled, asking when I would come in next. I told her that the baby was not okay and I need to schedule further testing.
On the way home from the office, Moe was calling his family, telling them I was pregnant but that the baby was not okay. All I remember was getting home, standing in my lounge, holding my belly and crying. That was the best day and the worst day of my life.